Wednesday, July 25, 2001
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Wednesday, July 25, 2001 |
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Spamming the globe . . . By BILLY MURPHY The spam, these days, is sizzling like a car full of trailer park kids, waiting for their mom in the Wal-Mart parking lot. Even though Britney Spears really wasn't in a car wreck and the Queen of England didn't turn out to be into "Big Bad Mommas" magazine, there are still plenty of items to spoof. The cold, hard truth is, "Big Brother" is back. The Orwellian-style TV show is a lot racier this time, too. People are sleeping together, people are fighting, and people are backstabbing for the almighty dollar. Why don't they just forget the production costs of this behemoth and just film every office building in the world? "Big Brother" producers did show some responsibility by getting rid of the guy who threatened to slash the girl's throat. They didn't really fire him, though; they just traded him to MTV's "The Real World," for two nymphomaniacs and an alcoholic to be named later. Ratings aren't as good for "Big Brother 2" as for last year's "Big Brother." That is strange, too, considering last year's show was at least eight times as boring, with the most exciting event coming when the middle-aged guy dyed his hair pink and asked to be called "Sparky." I hear to spice things up, this new "Brother" is going to invite in special guests. First up, Gary (I put the "con" in condom) Condit, visits and invites all the girls to "go out for a ride." See if you can answer this question: What has 60,000 pimples and 800 legs? Answer: The front row of a Back Street Boys Concert. Only they are all crying these days with A. J. McLean checking into rehab for depression and alcohol abuse. Yeah, nothing sends me into the doldrums faster than making a million dollars a week and having 20 assistants wait on me, hand and foot. Such a rough life; the bumpy rides in the back of the limo, the brown M&M's mixed in with the other colors, having a goatee that looks like the reverse side of the squatting refrigerator repair man. Obviously, I am just jealous and a little unsympathetic. I should feel compassion, though. I almost had to check myself into Betty Ford Clinic when my chauffeur ran over my Rolex with my Bentley. With A.J.'s problems, this could be the last nail in the coffin for the "boy band" movement anyway. Attendance and popularity has been waning recently. And a lot of the guys are getting old enough now to start dating Cher. (See VH1's "Behind the Music.") Just as hot these days to talk about are celebrity romances, and this is what we all live for, since none of us have celebrity nor romance of our own. This is a typical scenario: Julia (we no longer need her last name, like Sting, Prince or Ellen) has just broken up with her boyfriend Benjamin while on the publicity tour for a movie about a two beautiful celebrities who are breaking up. Talking about your ultimate Escher painting. First Dennis and Meg split because of Russell, then Russell was supposed to have caused the rift with Nicole and Tom (Cruise, not Arnold). Or was that just a rumor? Nevertheless, Nicole and Tom did seem to split because of another man and Nicole said she will kill the guy when she finds out who he is. Papers now say that Tom is connected with Penelope Cruz, which would make the duo, Cruise & Cruz, but that seems about as plastic as Lisa Marie Presley and Michael Jackson, not to mention his nose. If Meg could see Benjamin and Nicole could see Dennis and Julia could Tom and Penelope could see Russell, then the apocalypse could happen because the celebrity planets would truly be aligned. If you are scoring mathematically at home, the equation is M+B-J+T-N+DxP+R/Madonna=Jerry Springer. 'Til next Spam time, take some Advil; the headache will go away. [Visit Billy Murphy on the Internet at http://www.ebilly.net.]
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