Here are my annual carols rewritten for that contemporary Christmas:

Monica (tune of Silver Bells)

See the black hair,

see the blank stare,

come on give us a smile.

There's a book deal

that will pay you millions.

You were misled by the butthead....

so you told Linda Tripp;

now the tapes play

at night on the news...

(chorus)

Monica... your cover's blown...

Monica... learn from Paula Jones.

It's Christmas time in the White House.

Monica... Don't trust Kenneth Starr...

Monica... I gave up cigars;

Soon it will be impeachment day.

Jessie the wrestling governor (tune of Rudolph)

Jessie the wrestling governor

had a very shiny head

and if you ever saw him,

you might think

he was inbred.

And all of his opponents

used to laugh and call him names;

now they all work at McDonald's

or deliver chicken chow mien.

Then one fateful November eve

Leno came to say,

Jessie with your body tight

Won't you do my show tonight?

Then everybody loved him

as they shouted in the air,

Jessie the wrestling governor,

now you're bigger than Rick Flair!

Jerry (Springer) the talk show (tune of Frosty the Snowman)

Jerry the talk show,

what a tired, boring shtick,

with a racial fight

and a transvestite

and a tattoo lunatic.

Jerry the talk show,

he wants to know your secrets;

now the man in white

dates his brother's wife;

the male stripper takes a bow....

(chorus)

There musta been some magic

in that studio that day...

watch the girls

get in a fistfight

over the boyfriend

that is gay.

Jerry the talk show,

see Santa as himself.

He's gotta problem, see,

with obesity

and he likes to play with elves.

Jerry the talk show

has a special Christmas day

with the Ku Klux Klan

and the skin heads too

and a stripper...